Words of Luke MarchieYour #1 source for generally useless information

No matter how fake, stupid, and unattractive you can make a Craigslist Missed Connection these days there are always some trick-ass fools who respond earnestly in hopes of finding that smoking hipster wall-flower they’ve been waiting for.

Take for instance this post. Do people really this this is real? Did I write this? All will be answered in due time.

Me: Sitting on Wall – You: Walking bike through park – w4m – 28 (Rittenhouse Square)

I was perched up on my usual wall with plumes of American Spirits Menthol smoke wafting up through my sun damaged hair. I was wearing my usual giant sunglasses and trying my best to look aloof and generally uninterested in my surroundings.

Then you walked by.

You were the first guy that day to look into where you thought my eyes were and smile. I lit up seeing that perfect smile, then lit up another American Spirit.

You were wearing shorts and one of those quirky dude hats. I was wearing jean shorts.

Hit me back!

And here is the live link: http://philadelphia.en.craigslist.org/mis/2489435991.html

Within moments I already got public responses such as:

Trying to make smoking look glamorous was so 1980s.

Yeah I am trying to be glamorous man! Where have you been!

If anyone has seen a hipster lately they are embodying the 1980′s as hard as they freakin’ can.

The real payoff here though are the “private” responses. Have I mentioned again this is totally fake?

Hopefully the following people won’t find my website. Names (not pictures) have been withheld to protect the desperate.

My first response from an email simply entitled “Bike”

hey, I THINK ITS ME!! can you describe “me” alittle more…like my bike (color) or what I was wearing…

I am wary to respond as he’ll instantly have my real email address. That could destroy my hipster cred.

But the best response so far seems to be from a future version of a certain piano player I know.

Deviously entitled “I would dare…”, it really shines a light on the rigors of modern dating and missed connecting.

I am not the bike rider in the park. But there’s something in you that attracts me. I know how boring and unstimulating the world can get, but I think I also know where your passion lies. It’s beyond the plumes of American Spirit smoke and your jaded experiences. If you email me back and meet me in person, you’ll be transformed with desire.

I’m tempted myself to email him back. It’s been too long since I’ve been transformed with desire.

What really stands out is this (possibly blind?) guy has already connected with me on an entirely emotional level. It goes BEYOND the plumes of smoke, BEYOND my jaded experiences.

I’m overdue for a serious emotional connection and it’s about time I focused on me…

In an effort to meet that special internet someone I always spend at least 2 hours a day planting the seeds for multiple missed connections.  I try to fit in at least 4-5 solid connections per day and employ the following tactics:

• Disguising my bicycle as a fixed gear and doing laps around Rittenhouse Square.  Prolonged uncomfortable eye contact is key here…

• Putting on my old Jncos and wallet chain and then taking the R5 to the end of the line and back.  Unlike the park I let my clothing and accessories do the work and only look out the window.

• Wearing medical scrubs and walking a puppy through college campuses.  Bonus points if you cover yourself in blood.

• Writing in a vigorously in a Moleskine as I repeatedly scoff at and page through a Nietzsche novel.

Well good news everyone!  My hard work has finally paid off and I have been blessed with a missed connection.  While I have to admit it raises more questions than answers (new arrival?!) it’s pretty clear it’s for me.  The real Luke.

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/mis/2271974552.html

Wow came across the great ad on Craigslist – this sounds EXACTLY like my phone!!! Gosh I would snatch this deal up in a second…

http://philadelphia.craigslist.org/mob/2193505203.html

Waterdamaged IPhone 3GS 32GB – $100 (Philadephia)

Interested in owning a glorified a piece of Philadelphia history?

This phone has been everywhere, even underwater!

Basically here’s the deal – I fell into a lake last summer with my phone in my pocket (thanks alcohol!) which I immediately powered off and threw in a bag of rice. A few days later it started to work again – but the screen was dim and power randomly cut off.

SO while on a trip to Vietnam (YEAH THIS PHONE HAS BEEN TO VIETNAM!!!! ) I had to screen replaced with a new one (50 bucks) and what used to be my electronic life partner has turned into a glorified first generation iPod.

Here’s the “damage” as far as I can surmise.

-power will randomly cut-off in the middle of games, apps, web browsing, etc. This happens like twice an hour.
-not sure about the ability to make calls – I switched service soon after “the incident”
-top button (sleep button) inoperable.

Once charged up you can still use any other function available on the phone. If you own a repair business or something I surmise you can fix it pretty quick. The screen is brand new so at least you can scrap that for parts…

Other than that it is “fully functional” and perfect for whoever the hell will actually give me 100 bucks for this thing